If there’s one thing I’ve learned since my world turned upside down, it’s that healing doesn’t follow a straight line. I think so many of us expect that once we decide to heal, things should keep getting better, day by day, like climbing a staircase. But the truth? Healing is messy. It’s more like waves that carry you forward, then pull you back, over and over again.
There are days I feel strong and hopeful. I can look at how far I’ve come and feel proud of myself. And then out of nowhere, a wave crashes and drags me under again. In those moments, it feels like I’m right back at square one. But I’ve come to understand that setbacks don’t mean failure. They mean I’m human, and they’re part of the process.
Society loves to give us timelines for grief and healing. “You’ll feel better in six months.” “It just takes time.” The problem is, healing after betrayal doesn’t follow a clock. Some days, it feels like I’ve “moved on,” only for something small to remind me of the pain, and suddenly it’s fresh again.
A setback doesn’t erase the progress I’ve made. It just means there are still layers my heart is working through.
What’s caught me off guard most are the triggers. Sometimes they’re obvious, but other times they completely surprise me.
- Anniversaries – Dates hold so much weight. “One year ago today” memories pop up, and it’s like a punch in the stomach. Suddenly I’m questioning everything that happened back then and whether it was all a lie.
- Places – For me, the gym became a huge trigger. What used to feel like a safe space for my husband to have his self care turned into a painful reminder. In particular, when my husband would talk about feeling unhappy with his weight or progress. I wasn’t expecting something so normal to shake me so deeply, but it did. These were just small comments that he started making prior to the affair and although it likely had nothing to do with why he did what he did, it’s such a huge trigger for me.
- Random conversations – A simple comment can sting more than I ever imagined. And once the spiral starts, it can be hard to pull myself out.
What I’ve learned is that triggers don’t mean I’m weak or failing. They’re simply signals that my body and mind are still processing what happened.
I used to tell myself, “I’m back at square one.” But I’ve realised that isn’t true. The version of me today isn’t the same as the version of me who first discovered the betrayal. I’ve grown. I’ve learned tools. Even when a trigger pulls me down, I don’t stay there as long as I once did.
Each setback is a chance to practise what I’ve learned — to breathe through the storm, to remind myself of the progress I’ve made, and to choose not to give up on myself.
One of the most freeing lessons has been giving myself permission to just sit in the sadness sometimes. To cry, to curl up, to indulge in the heaviness of the day. Because pretending I’m fine only makes it worse.
What matters is remembering that tomorrow is a new day. A setback day doesn’t erase the days I’ve been strong. It’s just one piece of a bigger picture. The important part is to keep trying to move forward, even if it’s slow.
Healing isn’t about never feeling pain again. It’s about learning to carry it differently. The setbacks will come, but they don’t define me — they refine me.
If you’re in a season of setbacks, please remember: you are not failing. You are healing, even when it feels messy, even when it feels unfair, even when you have to start again tomorrow.
Progress isn’t always visible, but it’s there. And so is hope.
Lets rise together,
Sarah xx
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