I wish I knew I wasn’t crazy.
When I first started suspecting something was wrong, I was in the thick of postnatal depression. I was sleep-deprived, emotionally raw, and navigating the complete upheaval that comes with caring for a newborn. I didn’t trust my body, let alone my mind. So when those quiet thoughts crept in — something’s not right… he’s not the same… could he be seeing someone else? — I silenced them.
Because how could I trust myself when I could barely get through the day?
What I now know, looking back, is that my instincts weren’t broken. They were trying to protect me. But I was living inside a storm of emotional manipulation that made it nearly impossible to hear my own voice.
Every time I asked the hard questions, I was met with defensiveness.
“You’re crazy.”
“Are you cheating on me?”
“Who are you sleeping with?”
I started to believe him. I started to believe I was imagining things. That maybe I was broken. That maybe my anxiety was twisting reality. But it wasn’t.
The truth is, gaslighting is real — and it’s one of the most common forms of emotional manipulation women face, especially when we begin to sense betrayal. It doesn’t always look like yelling or controlling behaviour. Sometimes it’s quiet, subtle, disguised as concern or denial. But it chips away at your reality, little by little, until you don’t know what’s real anymore.
Looking back now, the signs were there:
- His sharp defensiveness every time I asked a question.
- The way the conversation always flipped back onto me.
- The accusations that I must be the one cheating.
- The way I constantly walked away feeling like I had done something wrong.
But I was exhausted. I was running on empty. And when you’re just trying to survive motherhood, confrontation feels like one battle too many. So I stayed quiet. I swallowed my gut feelings. I tried to be the “understanding wife.”
And yet, my instincts wouldn’t go away.
I questioned him again and again over the space of almost a year. And every time, I was told I was crazy. Every time, I was made to feel guilty for even asking. And eventually, I started to believe that narrative — that I was unstable, hormonal, irrational. That the problem was me.
Until the day someone else told me the truth.
I still remember the moment I found out. It wasn’t him who confessed — it was someone who had found out and felt I deserved to know. And when the words were spoken, I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I didn’t fall to the floor like the movies show you.
I felt relief.
Relief that I wasn’t crazy.
Relief that my instincts had been right.
Relief that I could finally stop doubting myself.
It was the most heartbreaking validation I’ve ever felt.
Since then, I’ve made myself one promise: I will never again doubt my intuition.
It’s not always loud. It doesn’t always come with flashing lights. But it knows. And when someone is working hard to make you question your own reality, it’s even more important to get quiet and listen.
To any woman reading this — if your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen. You’re not crazy. You’re not overthinking. You’re not too sensitive. You’re picking up on things that someone else is working hard to hide.
You deserve honesty. You deserve peace. And you deserve to trust yourself.
Even in the darkest moments — especially in them — your intuition is not your enemy. It’s your guide.
Let’s rise together,
Sarah xx
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